I was pretty depressed for the first half of December, feeling like everything was going wrong. Perhaps pregnancy hormones, perhaps normal mommy guilt, perhaps being an obsessive type-A perfectionist psycho. No one was making me feel better, not even the priest at a great retreat I went on, not even my husband. Then one day I sent a simple WhatsApp message to a friend in the US and her answer was so genuine and so true that I INSTANTLY felt better. And I've hung on to those words ever since. Especially:
"I weep at how bad of a mother I am now with my kids. Distracted, unloving stressed, angry and sometimes uninterested. There's just so much more work now. So many more things to think about. So many more people making demands. And so many more things that can throw the day off kilter.
"All the kids want is you, so don't feel bad that that is all you have to offer!"
It felt so reassuring to have someone... that I know isn't doing a bad job and really cares.. who felt like a bad mom like I did. I feel like I can't give them what they need and it's because of my own faults. I had told my friend that I felt I only had myself to offer and I was losing it. I said I only have myself to offer in the sense of my ideas, what I look up on Pinterest, the books I like. Most of the time I wonder, what am I doing? But her words, all the kids want is you, are true. Small children like them need to be close to their mother. They are truly blessed to have a mother and a father, and the most important thing I can do is focus on that relationship and on loving and serving the Lord. It is hard to not need reassurance I'm going the right things, not messing them up for life... taking one small step in the right direction everyday, sometimes groping in darkness, but trusting in the Lord and His plans. That's the only way and that's enough.
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